We’ve all had one of those moments where everything seems impossible. When you find yourself sinking into your very own little pit of gloom questioning every decision in life you’ve made. That was me last week caught in my very own downward spiral of a confidence crisis. I’d sat myself down to study yet nothing was sinking in. I couldn’t even find the vital resources I needed to complete my work.
Stupidly I sat there for far longer than I care to admit frantically scrolling through the pages of my module website. Nope still couldn’t find it! At a heightened level of overwhelming frustration I just wanted to cry. I had allowed myself to sink into my own little hole of self pity and was questioning what the hell I was doing? Who the hell was I to think that I was clever enough to get a degree? Girl you can’t even find a video on the OU website!
I felt like I was 14 again. Memories crept in of me sat in my English class listening to my horrible teacher telling me I wasn’t trying hard enough because my spelling test result wasn’t great.
‘Your not like your sister are you’ she would tell me.
She taught my elder sister and loved to compare me to her. My mum actually told her off at parents evening for it. Thanks mum!
It’s moments like that that stick with you and rear their ugly head in moments of vulnerability. In that moment you believe it’s true and your confidence in your abilities hit zero.
I will always compare my academic achievements to my big sister. She is an achiever and has always done well in whatever she puts her hand to.
I end up feeling like I’ve failed because my results aren’t as high. Stupidly I actually achieve good grades so really I don’t have anything to worry about.
In moments of self doubt that damn teacher still has me believing I exist in my sisters shadow, that I’m not as capable her.
In the end I switched off the computer and went to bed. I wasn’t going to achieve anything whislt I was in that head space. I was tired and fell asleep straight away.
Guess what, after a good nights sleep it didn’t seem as bad. I sat down and planned what I had to do for my next assignment, plotted study time in alongside everything else in my busy schedule and actually got some work done. Yup that assignment has been submitted, whilst juggling work and the family. See I can do this!
I know I’m not going to fail my degree because I want it too much. I will put that hard work in to make sure that I pass.
Yes I’m terrified about sitting exams again later this academic year. I haven’t sat one since I was 16. The difference now is I’ve chosen to do this. No one is making me do it. I’m doing it for me and don’t have anything to prove to anyone but myself. In fact I could still progress on my career path without the degree I just secretly enjoy the subject matter.
So moral of the story? I can be a complete idiot at times. That’s not because I’m not capable, it’s because I listen to the negative thoughts in my brain too much.
Self confidence is a state of mind that can be achieved by shouting positive thoughts loudly over the negative. Stop listening to those negative thoughts. Failing that things always seem better after a good nights sleep.