Three years ago my world had hit rock bottom. I was still struggling to deal with the prolonged effects of untreated post natal depression. My doctor at the time had been a bit shit and brushed it all under the carpet. Apparently all I needed to do was take a holiday. Wrong!
Several years on I still hadn’t been able to learn to deal with the effect this was having on my long term mental health. As a family we struggled to do normal things like enjoy a day out because I would have a major freak out at something. Usually my husband Chris bore the brunt of this. To be quite frank I was miserable and I know he was to.
Things came to a head over something very trivial. I can remember abandoning him and the children at Liverpool Street station and basically doing a runner. In that moment my life felt like it was so bad, I couldn’t deal with it and had to get away from everything.
I actually told Chris that I hated him and that he was the one making me miserable.
I did go home that night and things settled into an uneasy truce. I knew I needed help and eventually did go back and see another doctor.
I was put on anti-depressants aswell as having other tests because my physical health was not good either. I had stopped eating so was just 7 1/2 stone. This was severely underweight for my height of 5″ 7. I had lost so much muscle mass that I couldn’t support my frame properly and had put my pelvis and back out. Things were so bad I needed crutches to walk.
I was also deficient in Vitamin B12. Other sufferers will know how much that fucks with your head! I know we are not supposed to say ‘crazy’ but I was a bit of a crazy Bitch. I’m the first to admit that now.
Having had all my problems diagnosed and the appropriate treatment was being received things did start to improve.
My husband was amazingly supportive throughout this time. As the mental fog was clearing I was able to see that my problems weren’t his fault and that the hate I had been throwing around was not how I felt about him.
Unfortunately the damage had already been done to our relationship. My husband and I had grown distant and he moved out of the family home. I was devastated by this. What do they say? You don’t know what you have lost till its gone!
It took some soul searching but Chris knew he wasn’t happy with the situation either.
After spending sometime apart he moved back home. Together we went to a series of counselling sessions and talked through our problems. During that time I think I fell in love him all over again. It’s amazing what you learn to understand about a person when you actually stop to listen to them.
Today I would say my marriage is stronger than it ever has been. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel loved and looked after. This isn’t because everyday is full of wild romantic gestures, nope those are usually reserved for birthdays and Valentine’s Day.
It is often the simplest of gestures such as making sure I’ve taken my medication, bringing me home a bar of chocolate when I’m hormonal, letting me have an afternoon nap because he knows my B12 Injection is due and I’m knackered. Helping me cut up the veg for dinner, holding my hair back when I’ve been sick from drinking too much wine at his xmas party and then getting up for the school run when I’m hanging the next morning. I could go on endlessly.
I love how good of a Dad he is, and the terrible corny ‘Dad’ jokes he tells, how we often are thinking exactly the same thing, and talk absolute crap via text message. Most off all love how he didn’t give up on me.
So yes this is a terribly mushy post but now you know why this man will always me my Valentine.