I have to tell you something. Those people that tell you grief gets easier with time…their liars!
Yes that sounds like a very negative statement, but it’s the truth. It’s approximately three and half months since my mum passed away and if anything the sharp sense of pain that often creeps up on me is more intense than ever. I miss my mum like crazy. I have this profound sense that there is a great big gaping hole in my life that can’t be filled.
Throwing myself into work helps, it means I don’t have time to think about my mum. It’s days like today though, my day off, that I struggle with. My husband is at work and the kids are at school. If I have nothing scheduled I feel lonely. If mum was here I would be popping in for a cup of tea and a catch up. We might have been popping out to Aldi’s and get sidetracked. We may have end up at Outfit buying shoes. Yes mum was responsible for many of my impulse shoe purchases.
Maybe the sense of loss feels so great because Mum played such a huge role in my life. She literally was the foundation of our family. We are now in a period of muddling through trying to create a new normal. Whatever that is?
When both my grandfathers passed I felt sadness but I never felt that a huge void had just shafted its way through my life. At the moment it feels like a crack that keeps widening.
One of the hardest things I’m coming to terms with is the fact that Mum was cremated. As far as I’m concerned Some stranger has literally burnt away the physical evidence that my Mum ever existed. It’s a weird feeling. Maybe when we have buried her Ashes and have somewhere to visit I might feel less like this? Perhaps that will be a place where I can go and feel close to her again?
Grief is unpredictable. Tomorrow is another day and I might feel completely different. I’m not in a consistent state of doom and gloom. I have days when I feel genuinely happy and content with my lot, I can laugh freely without feeling guilty that I shouldn’t be. I can see a picture of mum and smile at the memories it brings up.
It’s those dark periods of grief that are hardest they creep up on you and catch you by surprise when you least expect it. I not convinced that it does get easier with time. Maybe less frequent but certainly no less painful.